Vanessa Vacation and the Vogons
by Barbara Fett
Summary: #6 in Vanessa's series. Now Vanessa is off on a galactic journey... PG for slight movie violence.


A/N: This story picks up right where "Vanessa Vacation and the Vertigo Vibe" left off.  Vince was about to tell Velma and Vanessa something.

"All right," said Vince.  "I'll start with the thing you must be dying to know: Why have I been gone all these years?  The answer to that is something that may be very hard to believe."

"Try us," said Velma.

"Okay.  I'm not from any place you could ever have visited.  I'm from a planet about three hundred light-years away.  I used to have a job as a field researcher for a very popular book called _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy._  I've been sent to many planets to research them, but I came to this one out of free will.  When I first came here, I thought it was strange, but had its good points, particularly Velma.  We were young and in love, but she had no idea who I really was.  She thought I was just a guy trying to break into the writing business."

"So that's it . . ." said Velma.  "Weirder and weirder."

"You don't seem very shocked," said Vince, puzzled.

"That's because I have something almost as strange to tell _you_.  And Vanessa's learned about weird things like this several times.  But you finish your story first."

"Okay.  So, we married, moved here, and had a child together, and we were all happy.  Then, when Vanessa was four, a spaceship came by and took me away."

"I remember.  You left one night to take a walk and never came back.  Do you know how that felt?  I thought you didn't love me anymore."

"Oh, but I did, and I still do.  The ship belonged to the people in charge of the _Guide_, and they were not happy about my staying here for eight years without telling them.  I was fired and I had nothing to do, so I tagged along with a freighter line for a while.  Then I decided I wanted to come back and see my family again, so here I am."

"Thank you," said Velma, getting up and going over to him.  "You've put my mind to rest."  They kissed softly.

"There's more," said Vince.  "I'm picking up a signal on my Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic – it's a thing you use to track spaceships.  There are some bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious, callous, and just generally unpleasant aliens called Vogons on their way here as we speak.  They have a demolition order for this planet.  I know how to get off it, though, and I want to take you with me."

"_What?_" Velma and Vanessa said together.

"It's true," said Vince.  "We'd have to leave tomorrow.  I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm a family member and I want to help you."

"All right," said Velma.  "I'll go."

"I'm with you too," said Vanessa.

"Wise choice," said Vince.  "Now, Velma, you had something to tell me?"

"Yes, I did," Velma answered.  "It's something that _I've_ always kept secret from _you_.  There's a society on Earth that almost no one outside of it knows about . . ."  She went on to tell him all about the wizarding world, beginning with the day she'd gotten her letter from Hogwarts and ending with how she and Vanessa had gotten their lightning scars.

"Hoopy," said Vince, when she finished.  "I never would have guessed."

"That's his word for 'cool,'" explained Velma.

"Yeah," said Vanessa sadly.  "I still can't believe what's going to happen."

"Well, we've still got a while before it happens," said Vince, "and I haven't heard much about _your _life.  Why don't you get me caught up?"

"Sure."  Vanessa told her father about the high points of her school and professional careers.  She told him about how she'd met Steve and about her adventures with Pokémon and Digimon.  She introduced him to all her Pokémon, and to Unitria.

"You are very lucky to have had all those experiences," said Vince when it was all over, "and I'm very proud of you.  You have what it takes to travel the galaxy, like me."

"Wow, thank you!"

"Speaking of that, you should both start packing for tomorrow.  There are some things a galactic traveler has to have."

"Like what?"

"A towel and some peanuts.  And anything else you want, as long as it fits in a backpack and won't break."

"What would we do with a towel?"

"Everything.  Lie on it, use it as a blanket or a shawl, wave it as a signal.  Things like that."

"And why peanuts?" said Velma.

"Matter transference beams are a little rough," explained Vince.  "You're going to need salt and protein after you go through it tomorrow."

"It's late," said Velma.  "Let's get some sleep.  Vanessa, you have a guest room, right?"

"Yes.  Dad can stay here."

"I'll meet you here in the morning.  Good night."

Thursday morning dawned over Venton for the very last time.  Velma arrived at Vanessa's house packed and ready to go.  Vanessa wanted to say goodbye to all the otherworldly friends she'd made, so she typed a note.

_Dear ___________,_

_If you are reading this, then I have left.  I have just learned that my father is an alien and has come to take my mother and me away from this planet.  No, this is not a joke.  It makes me very sad to leave my home and my friends, especially you.  Thank you for all the good times we had together.  I am a much more worldly person because of them.  Goodbye, and remember my favorite saying: Virtue will be victorious._

_Best wishes,_

Vanessa Vacation

She emailed the note to Davis, printed out a copy, put "Ash and friends" in the blank, and carried it through the tunnel to Ash's house, with Unitria giving her extra speed.  Sadly, there was no point sending it to Hogwarts, because the people there would be destroyed as well.  When she got back home, her parents were standing in front of her house.  Vince was holding up a small, black device.

"Vanessa!  Come here!" he called.  "They're about to transfer us!"

Vanessa had her backpack and Unitria on, so she ran over to them.  She saw that there was a very ugly yellow something in the sky.

"Is that the ship?" said Vanessa.

"That's the ship," said Vince.  "One of them, anyway."

An announcement started.

"_People of Earth, your attention, please._"  The voice resounded through every corner of the world.  "_This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council._"

"Uh-oh," said Vanessa.

"Don't worry!" said Vince.

"_As you will no doubt be aware,_" the Vogon continued, "_the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition.  The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes.  Thank you._"

"Are we going yet?" said Velma nervously.

"The Dentrassi will beam us up any second now," answered Vince.

"I hope it's soon."

In time, the Vogon spoke again.  "_There's no point in acting all surprised about it.  All the planning charts and demolition orders have been on display in your local planning department in Alpha Centauri for fifty of your Earth years, so you've had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint and it's far too late to start making a fuss about it now._"

The moment he finished, Vanessa lost consciousness.  She and her parents were being pulled through a matter transference beam onto the ship that had appeared over western North America.  Below, there was a terrible ghastly noise as the planet blew apart, spread out, and disappeared.

"Who's here?  Speak up," said Vince, when they were safely on the ship.

"That felt like going through a Digiport that's turned evil," said Vanessa.

"It really takes it out of you," agreed Velma.

"Let's have some peanuts," said Vince.

They all opened packages of peanuts and ate.  "It's dark in here," said Vanessa.

Unitria began to glow.  "Thank you," said Vanessa.  "Whoa!  _This _is a spaceship?"

The room was littered with mattresses, cups, and other strange, smelly things.  "Are these sleeping quarters?" asked Velma.

"Yes, for the Dentrassi.  They're the cooks on this ship, and they like to pick up hitchhikers because it annoys the Vogons."

"Oh, great," said Vanessa.

"Come here," said Vince.  "I have something to give to you and Velma, so you can understand whoever we meet next."  He took two small glass jars out of the bag.  There was a small, live yellow fish in each one.  "They're Babel fish.  They only feel slippery for a second when you put them in, and after that, you can't feel them.  They make you understand anything you hear."

"How do you put them in?"

"You just slip them into your ear."  The new initiates put them in quickly.  

Suddenly, everything melted and ran together.  The three travelers found themselves sliding through a narrow tube of blankness.

Finally, it all stopped.  "_What_ was _that_?" exclaimed Vanessa.

"That was the ship going into hyperspace," said Vince.  "We're on our way now."

"And there's no turning back . . ." mused Velma.  The realization of what she had lost hit her hard.  She and Vanessa couldn't resist crying.

"Well, we still have each other," said Vanessa after a minute.

Just then, another announcement came, but it was a different voice speaking than the one on Earth.

"Attention, all of you.  This is your captain speaking, so stop whatever you're doing and pay attention.  I see from our instruments that we have hitchhikers on board.  Hello, wherever you are, and you're not at all welcome.  You will be taken to the bridge shortly.  That is all."

"We're in trouble," said Vince.

Vanessa and her family were face to face with the foulest being they had every seen.  He was, of course, not at all happy to see them.

"Hmm," said the captain.  "There aren't very many women hitchhikers.  Not that it matters.  Give me one good reason why I shouldn't read you one of my poems."

"Because we wouldn't really appreciate it?" Vanessa hazarded.

"Other than that," said the captain.

"Because it's not ready to be received by the public?" guessed Velma.

"No, that's not it."

"Because it'll keep you from throwing us out of the ship for a little while longer?" said Vince.

"Exactly!" said the captain.  "Therefore, I won't bother.  Lieutenant!  Take these three to #5 airlock and eject them!"

As the family was marched down the hall, the lieutenant yelled, "Resistance is futile!" at them several times.  Between yells, Vanessa whispered to Unitria, "When we get out in space, protect us from whatever it might do to us, and teleport us to the nearest planet.  You can do that, right?"

"Shut up!" yelled the lieutenant.  "Resistance is futile!"

"I can," wrote Unitria in very small, dim letters.

They were shoved into the airlock.  It sealed behind them.

"So this is it, we're going to die," said Vanessa.

"Not while I'm here," wrote Unitria.  "I've almost gotten my travel path ready.  I'll take you to the world I've found."

            "I guess that's as good a plan as any," said Vince.  "Everybody get ready."

They held on to each other.  Unitria set up a protective field around them.  The airlock opened and they were sucked out into open space.

            Vanessa found herself lying on something hard.  Relieved, she breathed deeply.  She opened her eyes to see her parents slowly getting up.

            "Thank you so much, Unitria," said Vanessa.  "You made it."

            "I didn't, really," Unitria wrote.  "I was in the middle of transporting you when some weird force took over, so now you're here instead of where I was taking you."

            "Well, at least we survived," said Velma.

            They looked at their surroundings.  They had landed on the floor of a long stone corridor lined with wooden doors and high, narrow windows.

            "We must be in a castle!" said Vanessa.

            One of the nearer doors opened and a young woman came out into the hall.  She wore a long dress and a golden band on her forehead, accentuating her red-gold hair.

            "Yes, you are in a castle," the stranger said, "and I should like to know why."

            "We came here by accident," said Vanessa.  "I can't really explain it.  As a matter of fact, where exactly are we?"

            "You're in Dinas Rhydnant, on the island of Mona, in the land of Prydain.  I'm Eilonwy Daughter of Angharad.  Who are you?"

            "Vanessa Vacation.  These are my parents, Velma and Vanessa."

            "Pleased to meet you," said Velma.

            "Likewise," said Vince.

            Then Eilonwy noticed something.  "Your necklace!" she exclaimed, holding up her own – a silver chain and crescent moon, exactly like Vanessa's.

            "Wow!" said Vanessa.  "How did you get that?"

            "_I_ got it by birthright," Eilonwy answered.  "It's the symbol of the House of Llyr.  I come from a long line of sorceresses."

            "Magic runs in my family too, but I found Unitria on a street."

            "It has a name?"

            "Sure," wrote Unitria, "and I have quite a story to tell, if you want to hear it."

            "All right," said Eilonwy.  "Come in and sit down."

            They entered the room Eilonwy had come out of.  It was furnished with a bed, a cupboard, a small table, and four chairs, where they sat.  Vanessa set Unitria in the center of the table.

            "Being here in Prydain has brought back memories of the beginning of my life," wrote Unitria.  "If I'd remembered earlier, Vanessa, I would have told you."

            "That's okay," said Vanessa.  "Tell me now."

            "I will.  I was made long, long ago and first worn by a distant ancestor of Eilonwy's.  Her name was Hydraela.  One day when she was a little girl, she was playing outside when she stumbled upon a trans-world portal.  She was too afraid to go in, but it attracted me.  I rose up towards it, and it sent information to me.  I had my first taste of the infinite possibilities of other worlds."

            "Does this mean my charm has a mind of its own, too?" Eilonwy asked.

            "Probably," Unitria answered, "but only a very basic one.  Mine is so developed because I contacted other worlds.  After that first encounter, I found that I could connect to the other worlds through the portal whenever I wanted, without ever leaving Hydraela.  I continued to learn all I could about the other worlds whenever she was within about half a mile of the portal.  I also began to acquire different powers.  I knew that someday, I would go out into those other worlds.

            "When Hydraela died, I slipped away into the portal.  I reappeared in one of the worlds I was most familiar with, but it was still hard to adjust to my new surroundings.  As I drifted around that world, my life's work became clear to me.  I would find people who traveled among worlds and try to make life a little easier for them."

            "Which world was it?" asked Vanessa.

            "A world called Starwood," wrote Unitria.  "My first companion was a hitchhiker like your father, but he didn't like me very much; he had the _Guide _and other gadgets to help him.  I moved around from world to world for generations, and eventually, I ended up on Diagon Alley.  The day you found me, I was using the power of selective perception to choose my next partner.  I was only visible to someone who would go on to see many worlds, and that was you."

            "Wow!" said Vanessa.  "So why didn't you help me fight Voldemort?"

            "I wanted to see how much you could do on your own.  If you had really been in trouble, I would have stepped in, but I didn't need to."

            "Unitria, you've confused me," said Eilonwy.  "What exactly is a hitchhiker?  And how can there be whole other _worlds_?"

            "Vince, would you like to answer this one?" Unitria asked.

            "Sure," said Vince.  "A hitchhiker is someone who travels on someone else's transportation.  Some of them stay where they end up, but a lot of them just keep on going.  It's very exciting."

            "Oh," said Eilonwy.  "Now, about those other worlds.  Am I right in thinking that all of you came from one?"

            "Yes," said Vanessa.  "My mother and I are from Earth, but my father is from somewhere else.  It's a long story."

            "And does everyone where you come from know how to use magic?"

            "No, only a few people, and they live apart from those who don't."

            "There was a time when they lived together," said Velma, "but non-magical people back then believed that magic was a manifestation of the powers of evil, and they started hunting down witches and wizards and killing them.  So, those who survived went into hiding, and eventually, the non-magical people stopped believing in the existence of magic."

            "What a stupid way of seeing things," said Eilonwy.  "Around here, you can practice magic freely."

            Velma was gazing away from the group.  "What is it, Mom?" asked Vanessa.

            Slowly, her mother turned to her.  "I was thinking about my situation.  Here I am, with no home to go to, in a place where I'm free to do magic openly.  I would be happy if I stayed, but I know you wouldn't want that."

            "How do you know?"

            "I know that you and your father both love adventure, and you just got out on the open road, so to speak, so I'm sure you want to continue traveling.  I don't want to break up the family again, so wherever you go, I'll go."

            "Oh, Mom . . ."  They gave each other a hug.

            "You don't have a home?" said Eilonwy.

            Velma, remembering that Eilonwy was watching, looked embarrassed.  "No, it's gone . . . but I don't want to tell the story, it'll make me cry again . . ."

            "Were you attacked?"

            "You could say that."

            "What a shame.  So you're going to go on traveling?"

            "Yes.  Unitria will take us wherever we want to go."

            "Well, there's no need to be hurrying off.  Would you like to stay here for the night?"

            "Thank you, yes."

            "Wonderful.  It's almost time for dinner now.  Come along."

            The next morning, Unitria had good news for the family of travelers.  "Remember that trans-world portal I told you about?" it wrote.  "It's here on Mona!"

            "It moved?" said Vanessa.

            "Yes, portals do that sometimes.  How about if we went through it?"

            "That would be great!"

            So, after breakfast, Velma, Vanessa, and Eilonwy walked a little way from the castle and found an elliptical, iridescent, flat thing standing on end in a secluded spot.

            "This must be it," said Eilonwy.

            "It is," wrote Unitria.  "Ah, the memories.  All you have to do is walk through.  Do you want to go to Starwood?  I think you'd like it."

            "Sure," said Vanessa.  "Goodbye, Eilonwy.  Thanks for everything."

            "You're very welcome," said Eilonwy.  "Goodbye."

            Vanessa and her parents walked into the portal.  When they got in, they were floating in space, surrounded by more oval portals.  A different scene was visible in each one.

            "The portal to Starwood is straight ahead on the left," Unitria wrote.  "It's the one with all the gray buildings."

            While there was air in the space they were in, there was nothing to stand on, so the family had to use a sort of swimming motion to reach the portal.  When they stepped through, they were on a sidewalk on a busy street.

            "Welcome to Starwood," wrote Unitria, "home of the greatest filmmakers in the galaxy.  This is one of the most exciting worlds to visit.  You never know what you might find here."

            "Shall we have a look around, then?" said Velma.

            "Of course!" said Vince.

            They all walked to the corner and turned left onto a smaller street, where they saw something very startling.  A crowd was watching as someone wrestled with a large green lizard.  One of the onlookers shouted, "Leon, watch out!  He's, he's . . . I forget."

            "_Cut!_" boomed another voice over a loudspeaker.  The lizard and his opponent stopped and stood up.  "Cima, did you forget your line?"

            "Yes," answered the tall, thin woman who had forgotten the line.  "I'm sorry."

            "Well, go and look at your script," said the loudspeaker.  "Oh – I see we have visitors.  Marc, go and invite them into the scene."

            An energetic little man hurried over to the Vacations.  "Hello, friends!" he said to them.  "Welcome to the filming of 'Scaly Green Terror!'  I'm Marc, the assistant to the director.  Would you like to be extras in this scene?"

            "Sure!" said Vince.  "What do we do?"

            "First, you come over to the tent and meet our director.  Then we'll tell you how to act, and we'll shoot the scene."

            They followed Marc to the tent.  Inside, Cima was sitting in a chair, reading a script.  "More extras?" she asked Marc as he entered.

            "Yes," said Marc.  He told his guests, "You might know Cima Makenai.  She's an old hand at this."

            "Pleased to meet you," the actress said automatically.

            "Likewise," said Vince.  "I think you're very talented."

            "Thank you."

            "The director is in the back," said Marc.  "He'll see you now."

            They went further back into the tent, into an area where everything was blue.  It was as if the whole space was filled with blue light.

            "Where's the director?" said Vanessa.

            "I'm all around you," said a voice.  "I'm Qing, and I'm a Hooloovoo.  Is this your first time meeting one of us?"

            "Yes."

            "A Hooloovoo is a superintelligent shade of the color blue.  That's why everything you see here is blue.  Are you extras?"

            "Yes, we are."

            "Come over to the computer and we'll enter your names for the record.  Then we'll get you out there and start shooting."

            Vanessa and her parents gathered around the computer.

            Out in the street, Marc led the Vacations into the crowd, explaining the action of the scene to them.  "Dylan Bochi, who plays Leon, will come around the corner of that building.  The lizard will see him and jump out at him."  The lizard was hiding in a shadowed niche.  "When they start to fight, you and the rest of the crowd will form a circle around them.  Go with everyone else, but don't push too close to the fight.  Make sure that you look terrified, yet intrigued.  While they're fighting, Cima will say her line, and then the lizard will tell Leon to go through that door.  Any questions?"

            "Yes," said Vanessa.  "You said Cima was an old hand at this.  Is she a lead actress in this movie?"

            "She is," said Marc.  "When Leon and the lizard are in the building, her character comes in to save him.  She and Leon work together for the rest of the movie."

            "Oh, good."

            "Are we ready?"

            "Yes!" said Vanessa and her parents.

            "Okay, here we go!"  Marc returned to the tent.

            "Action!" said Qing.

            Dylan came out from behind the corner.  The lizard saw him and jumped out to fight him.  Vanessa and her parents moved with the crowd around the fight.  They noticed Cima on the inner edge of the ring, next to the fighters.

            "Leon, watch out!" she shouted.  "He's a Switcheteer!"

            That was the lizard's cue to pull a switchblade from his belt.  Dylan, or Leon, froze.

            "Go insssside," said the lizard, pointing to the open door of the building.  "Now."

            Dylan walked rigidly through the door, looking very afraid.  The lizard went in after him and closed the door.

            "Cut and print," said Qing.  "Thank you, everyone.  All extras to the tent, please."

            In the tent, all the extras received paychecks and T-shirts and caps with the studio logo on them from Qing, Marc, and several others.  Then the members of the crowd took their leave, except for the few who had been hired for multiple scenes.

            "Well, that was fun," said Vanessa.  "What now?"

            "Now that we have money," said Vince, "we can travel to the next planet in style.

            With Unitria's help, they found their way to a spaceport.  They went inside, purchased tickets, and ate dinner.  By sunset, they were speeding away from Starwood.

            The world where the Vacations landed next was called Mahiru.  It had a relatively low level of technology, but that suited Velma well.  She had decided that she didn't want to live on the road; she wanted to stay where she was and do something for others.  She had realized on the way there that she and Vanessa were the last surviving members of Earth's magical community.  She had talked to Unitria, and it had made a scan of the sector and determined that there were plenty of people there who had magical potential.  So, on Mahiru, Velma began the process of founding a magical school and community.

            The family began by searching maps of the planet until they found a wild, uninhabited spot with a lake.  They traveled there, purchasing building materials along the way, and augmenting and transporting them through Unitria's power.  When they got there, they worked for many days until they had a sizable building with room to expand.

            About a month after the building was completed, the very first class of students arrived.  The traditional sorting method hadn't been set up yet, so they just sent the students to dormitories randomly.  Vanessa and Velma taught classes, and Vince stayed around, but was free to go if he wanted to.  The school was called Mahiru School of Magic, and in time, it recaptured the spirit of Hogwarts.

A second A/N: This sounds like the end, but it's not.  Look for the next story in the Star Wars section.

Disclaimer: Vince, Velma, Vanessa, Unitria, Hydraela, Qing, Marc, Cima, Dylan, and the lizard are my original characters.  All the things from the Hitchhiker's Guide books belong to the late Douglas Adams.  All the locations and characters from the Prydain Chronicles belong to Lloyd Alexander.  All the Harry Potter references belong to J. K. Rowling.  No money is being made off this; I write because it's fun.  : - )


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